Step On A Crack, Break Your Mother’s Back.

*I am mentally preparing myself for the up and coming torture that is the A-Z Challenge. So here’s one from the archives.*

What you are about to read is real. These are not just mere words of fiction, but a glimpse into the life of big chested women everywhere. Do not look upon them as falsehoods for they are anything but.

My trials began on a journey to the hospital, that was to take me to see a man of science. Some might label him a ‘Witch Doctor’, or a ‘Shaman’, others may use the oft used title of just ‘Doctor’…Okay, we all use the term ‘Doctor’ but I’m trying to use some poetic license here, jeez.

Ain’t nobody who do Voodoo like you do.

Speeding haphazardly on foot toward my destination, I did spy my ride, the number 69 bus headed to where I needed to be. Already late for my appointment, I busied myself in the way that so often happens when one rushes around but never really seems to accomplish much and with the time of my consultation looming persistently in my head, my eagerness caused me to make a fatal judgement of error.

There it waited at it’s aligned spot, shining brightly like a beacon of ‘on-timeness…’ that is until I saw the driver indicate, a sure sign that the vehicle was about to depart. My error? You all ask not really giving a toss…I ran and in doing so, mayhem ensued.

Now my body although lithe (HA!) and spry, (*coughs* Liar!) is also somewhat encumbered by my mammaries of ginormous proportions and as I ran, my Pendulous Breasts buoyed on by this activity, soon gained momentum and in doing so, begun swinging incredibly from side to side. This movement along with my quickly doubling speed, abruptly changed to an up and down motion, whereby the thunderous clapping of their rise and descent could be heard clearly throughout the city.

It was at this point that events took a turn for the worse.

I couldn’t find an image of pendulous breasts that didn’t fall under the Obscene Publications Act of 1958, so here’s a picture of Ben Barnes instead…oh my, I think I’ve just wet meself.

 And that’s when I stepped heavily upon a crack, thereby breaking my mother’s back, her screams ringing out for all to hear. But that was of no concern to me at that moment in time. I would have to tend to her later. Propelled ever onward by the trajectory power of the wind gathered steadily under the skin of my bat wings, I was jettisoned forward as they flapped hideously back and forth, my feet almost leaving the ground. And with each heavy pounding of my footsteps, my protruding upper organs continued to rise and fall, only to rise once too often.

“Step on a crack, break your mother’s back…” Or push the bitch down a flight of stairs after she refuses to look after the Spawn again…

I saw it happening before it actually did. Saw the uplift of my Sweater Stretchers and there was nothing that I could do to prevent what occurred next. Momentarily my view was blocked as they made their way towards my visage, blinding me from the path that lay ahead. In response, I lifted my right arm to shield myself from the impact of the blow but my bat-wings collided fully with my face, covering both my oral and nasal orifices and thereby suffocating me temporarily in the process. Quickly removing my arm and placing it by my side, I gasped desperately for air. This left my face unattended, giving my Lady Lumps the advantage that they had been seeking. Stunned by the solid bearing of my Swollen Appendages, I hit the pavement…hard, the pain of concussion reverberating throughout my skull. Then I blacked out.

Luckily, my bat wings are not the circumference of a small nation.

When I awoke, I was in hospital surrounded by med students who had come to not only see for themselves, the woman who had been KO’d by her own Double Breasted Pillows but to marvel at the friction caused by the act of running as my thighs rubbing together, released an atmospheric charge, reaching an equilibrium with opposing polarity earth charges, bringing forth the opening of a sizable black hole in which a paradox was thus created throughout time and space. I’m sure you heard about it on the 9:00 news.

 Luckily the injuries sustained due to my Weighty Companions, included only a minor fracture of the jaw, a chipped tooth and two black eyes and as I turned my head, a sigh of relief issuing forth from my wired jaw, I spied my mother trussed up, complete with back brace on the bed beside my own. The ordeal of my day had finally ended and with my eyes heavy with the burden of sleep, I couldn’t help but smile to myself as my mother loudly cursed the very day that she has removed her IUD coil, which had then resulted in my birth, that I had made it on time to the hospital.

~Lily