Men, close your eyes. Today I shall be talking about yet another one of my internal body parts.

Thank you to everyone who sent their well wishes…everyone apart from you Mr H, who decided to side with Spawn on the whole Man-flu issue. No ready salted Chipsticks for you.

Go On Mr H, look at it. Look at it's salty goodness and know that it shall NEVER be yours!

Go On Mr H, look at it. Look at it’s salty goodness and know that it shall NEVER be yours!

I’m fairly certain that I’m dying. Whilst Spawn is bouncing around like a newly born lamb, unaware that somewhere out there, a meat grinder awaits him, doom awaits my sorry arse. Even as I type, I can feel the hollow stare of Death as he stands in the corner, flinging his scythe around like a baton twirler, while waiting to cheerlead me on into the afterlife.
I am beyond fatigued, and yet the house looks as though Hurricane Big Bertha has come-a-visiting and brought along all her other little Hurricane friends with her…bitch. This is a sure sign that Spawn is indeed feeling much better.

Coupled with that, not only has the good Lord seen fit to send forth a meal of the most virulent strain of the Bitch Sniffles, but he has also decided to bless me with a side order of menstruation…misogynist. This has proven to be problematic in the extreme as my uterus and I do not see eye to eye. In fact, my uterus hates me. Every month and sometimes twice a month, we get into the same old argument.

uterus2

jessicaNo, not this month.

uterus3

jessicaLook Uti, we go through this every month. How can I have a baby if I’m not even in a relationship at the moment?

uterus4

jessicaI love babies…but I couldn’t eat a whole one. Hahahahahaha!

uterus1

jessicaAhem…like I said, no babies. Not for the foreseeable future anyway.

uterus5

jessicaFor now, no.

uterus6

jessicaOh here we go again.

uterus7

jessicaYou need to learn some basic grammar, that’s what you need to do.

uterus9

jessicaEvery fecking month.

Okay guys, you can open your eyes now…until next month, where I will be detailing my bowel movements along with my hemorrhoids…via a slideshow…

~Lily

Advertisements

29 thoughts on “Men, close your eyes. Today I shall be talking about yet another one of my internal body parts.

  1. Ha ha! Did you draw that uterus? it looks like Dora the Explorer’s. Have some kind of manflu myself at the moment, and its way worse then you are willing to accept

    Like

    • Sesame Street is brought to you today by the letter P. Now repeat after me boys and girls, P is for ‘PSYCHOSOMATIC’, because like Paris Hilton’s singing/acting career, it doesn’t exist.

      Heehee Dora the Explorer, my uterus is mortally offended.

      Like

  2. I didn’t read your blog post since you warned me not to, so if you write a blog post on externals instead of internal, I hope I get to read that one. As I was scrolling down to get to the comment section I saw a picture of a floppin’ tube, so its prob’bly a good thing I didn’t read, although now I am getting curious.

    Like

    • You my open your eyes Mr E. Apart from the fact that the post contains female parts and the mention of babies and blood…on second thoughts, keeps those eyes closed Mr E.

      Like

      • So, I kept my eyes closed like you said, but you neVer told me when to open them, so now I have been involved as a driver in 5 automobile accidents in which there have been 17 fatalities and hundreds injured and then I s’pposedly held up a liquor store when aLL I was trying to do was perform CPR on someone who wasn’t breathing but that turned out to be a statue in the park. May Zi please open my eyes now? I was thankful that my friend typed this into the iPhone because right now I can’t use my i’s. also, I may have fed Cooper something veRy eXpensive.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Dam, that made me laugh.
          Mr E, I meant close your eyes whilst not viewing the post, not for the entire day! If Interpol comes knocking, I don’t know you.

          Like

      • Strange, after I opened my eyes I noticed that it left my comment as Anonymous. The food in this jail is quite tasty, weLL, at least it was when my eyes were closed. One of the policeman even asked me for my autograph. Since I had my eyes closed I decided to sound like actor Gilbert Gottfried. I signed the autograph with “A. Flac Duke”

        Like

        • Mr H, I am becoming increasingly worried about the state of your mental health. Have you seen the prison psych yet? No, of course you haven’t. So will you OPEN YOUR DAMNED EYES! Oh Lord, what have I started? I think I’m beginning to have a nervous breakdown…

          Like

  3. I would have offered you some of my patented “works slightly better than a placebo” sympathy but seeing as how you taunt me with a packet of the elusive salted corn sticks, you can keep your “mensies” and lump it!

    I half read a thing, the other week, about that Gwenyth Paltrow who said something about steam cleaning your….whatsits… and how it’s good for you.

    I’m not a doctor (and neither is she) but it may be worth a go, if you are able to squat over a kettle or something.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Mr H, it clearly stats in the Bible that, “If thou shalt side with the Devil, then thou shalt ne’er taste the salty goodness of thy Chipstick.” I am just doing as the good Lord commanded.

      I think that what Gwyneth Paltrow was trying to say was, a steamed Lady Garden is better than one that has been boiled or fried. Anyway, tried it and now Spawn refuses to drink tea and steam keeps coming out of my mouth whenever I talk.

      Like

  4. Aw, man, insult added to injury, huh? Well, at least that’s one good thing about being an old broad. I haven’t had a period in YEARS. (Don’t miss ’em, either. What the hell do I care if my ovaries have shriveled up into hard little raisins…? I wasn’t using them anyway.)

    In the eighties, there was a medical study released. After years of study funded by God knows how much money, researchers determined that women really DO have mentrual cramps. HA. All they had to do was ASK us… (I’ll bet all the researchers were men, too. Whiney men with man flu…)

    Be well, my dear.

    Like

    • Susan, I am at the stage where I’m about to reach inside and physically pull Uti out myself! Let’s see how much of a fight it puts up then. I wonder if anyone’s been charged with punching a uterus?

      It took researchers years to find out if women suffer from cramps?? Are these the same researchers who are spending $500 million on a program to find out why 5 year olds can’t sit still? Shouldn’t the fact that each time they asked a woman and got punched in the face, certify that yes, we women do suffer from cramps?

      Like

  5. OK I read that Miss Lily but I’m a chap, a simple middle class chap and I am not meant to read things like this. I am now drinking tea to recover and drawing pictures on paper bags. . . . . OK I only started that because the paper bag looked like it had a face on it and now it does. OK yes I do stuff like that, but I bet everyone does. I have managed to roll some tissue into balls to make eyes too . . . . . .WELL COOL

    Oooo and if a chap eats chips then they really should be real ones covered in fat and slightly droopy due to the amount of fat in the chip. Add plenty of salt and vinegar and bread and butter and eat close to the local A&E just in case.

    Like

    • Will we see a picture of your creation Mr H? It sounds very interesting…odd and just slightly creepy, but interesting all the same.

      See, the post wasn’t that bad. I mean the local A&E has seen an influx of male blogger readers suffering with acute nausea and screaming, MAKE HER STOP! WON’T SOMEBODY MAKE HER STOP?! But I’m pretty sure that has nothing to do with me.

      Mmmmmm, fat chips and onion vinegar…

      Like

  6. So, here I find you. On WordPress. You have betrayed me. ;P

    Glad I came across you over here, my friend. I’ve missed your oddball humor. And, also my period. Got that taken care of a couple of years ago and haven’t missed it since. So, yeah, have fun with that…

    Be well,

    Elsie

    Like

    • ELSIEEEEEEEEEEE! It’s good to see ya!
      Yeah, sorry about the desertion to WordPress, but it had to be done.

      Aww, thank you. It’s so frustrating only being able to access your blog from my phone and not comment. T-mobile have even banned me from one of my OWN blogs because it contains adult material!

      Yep, my uterus and I are about to have a bust up. Either it goes, or…no, the bitch is definitely going.
      Anyway, it’s good to hear from you. 🙂

      Like

  7. Your uterus sounds like an asshole. Kill it with fire! j/k but if you do have more babies, aside from being riddled with stretch marks, hemorrhoids, sleep deprivation and complete insanity, your period pain will most likely be better. Orrr maybe it’ll just seem better in comparison to the pain of shoving so many humans out of your vagina? Not sure. Worth it? Not sure. Just kill it with Midol and vodka for now, I guess. Good luck!

    Like

    • Hahaha! Joy, I now have the vision of my little eggs brandishing pitchforks and torches and screaming “KILL IT! KILL WITH FIRE!” Oh and still suffering from stretch marks, hemorrhoids, sleep deprivation and complete insanity 13 years later.

      I often think that I’d like one more womb-fruit and then I look at Spawn and remember who exactly is the cause of my stretch marks, hemorrhoids, sleep deprivation and complete insanity. Before I had him, I remember one friend saying that once I got pregnant, my periods would improve. I haven’t seen her for many years now, but she’s still due a high five to the face…lying bint.

      Like

  8. Since I couldn’t remember my old wordpress info, I had to remake myself so I could comment properly only to realize I had no proper comment. Story of my life.

    Like

Leave a Reply I won't bite...okay, maybe a little nibble...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s