*Over the next few weeks, I shall be rewriting a few of my favourite posts from the old blog and sharing them on here. I mean why should Blogger keep all the good stuff? The next person to shout “because we don’t want that crap over here,” is going to get a good swift kicking.*
Going Cold Turkey
After a recent mudslide in the mountains of the Archipelago, the inhabitants of the Island found themselves washed out to sea on a wave of debris and wretched hopelessness. Barely surviving amid the overcrowded chaos of the ocean’s waves, they could only gaze at the look of desperation in the faces of their fellow man, and cling on to the thought that all was not lost.
Meanwhile and unaware of the catastrophic events that had unfolded, I decided to go and dip my toes into the shimmery glace of the water’s edge and enlightened by the cleansing feel of it all, fully submerged my body beneath it’s crystal clear, waters. That’s when I heard the shouts of ‘Land Ahoy!’ And looked up to see a few hundred people swimming my way. It was not until those same few hundred tried to board the safety of my derriere, that I realised I was ‘land ahoy’ and that my butt had been mistaken for land mass. That’s when I decided it was time to go on a diet.
It’s been a bit of a struggle going cold turkey and it seems to be hitting the little man pretty hard too. Who knew that calories and sugars would be akin to weaning a hooker off class A drugs?
“Please, I’m begging you mama, just one hit and then we can start tomorrow instead. Just one bite of a Caramel Crunchie, one nibble of a Mars bar, or the shell from a Cadbury’s creme egg” *Now beginning to become slightly hysterical” “Anything mama!! Anything to make the pain go away!!!!”
“I cant do that little man. I will no longer be a beholden to fish and chips, or chocolate flavoured ice-cream. No more will I allow the likes of a Snickers duo or a giant Yorkie bar to control me. I am doing this for both our sakes.”
*Now in the full throes of hysteria* “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, IF YOU TRULY LOVED ME, THEN YOU WOULD PUT AN END TO MY SUFFERING!! PLEASE, PLEASE, MAKE IT STOP!! MAKE THE PAIN GO AWAY!! JUST MAKE IT STOOOOP!!!!!!”
And so, I did what any good, decent mother would do…I gave him some crack instead. Now not only are we both losing weight and no longer suffering from sugar cravings but neither of us even has an appetite for food anymore. Result!
*Seriously, the little man is going through severe cold turkey. I gave him a carrot stick and then caught him dipping it into a jar of chocolate spread*