Going Cold Turkey

*Over the next few weeks, I shall be rewriting a few of my favourite posts from the old blog and sharing them on here. I mean why should Blogger keep all the good stuff? The next person to shout “because we don’t want that crap over here,” is going to get a good swift kicking.*

Going Cold Turkey

After a recent mudslide in the mountains of the Archipelago, the inhabitants of the Island found themselves washed out to sea on a wave of debris and wretched hopelessness. Barely surviving amid the overcrowded chaos of the ocean’s waves, they could only gaze at the look of desperation in the faces of their fellow man, and cling on to the thought that all was not lost.
Meanwhile and unaware of the catastrophic events that had unfolded, I decided to go and dip my toes into the shimmery glace of the water’s edge and enlightened by the cleansing feel of it all, fully submerged my body beneath it’s crystal clear, waters. That’s when I heard the shouts of ‘Land Ahoy!’ And looked up to see a few hundred people swimming my way. It was not until those same few hundred tried to board the safety of my derriere, that I realised I was ‘land ahoy’ and that my butt had been mistaken for land mass. That’s when I decided it was time to go on a diet.

It’s been a bit of a struggle going cold turkey and it seems to be hitting the little man pretty hard too. Who knew that calories and sugars would be akin to weaning a hooker off class A drugs?

evil (1)*Shaking uncontrollably* “I need a shot of chocolate mum. Just one piece, one piece is all I need, then I’ll be fine.”

jessica “No little man, we have to do this. We have to fight the craving.”

evil (1)*Now exhibiting signs of ‘the sweats* “But I’m hurting man, I’m hurting real bad.”

jessicaI know baby, mummy’s hurting too but we can’t carry on the way that we have been doing. We need to make a change, a change for the better…and don’t call me man.”

evil (1)“Please, I’m begging you mama, just one hit and then we can start tomorrow instead. Just one bite of a Caramel Crunchie, one nibble of a Mars bar, or the shell from a Cadbury’s creme egg” *Now beginning to become slightly hysterical” “Anything mama!! Anything to make the pain go away!!!!”

jessica “I cant do that little man. I will no longer be a beholden to fish and chips, or chocolate flavoured ice-cream. No more will I allow the likes of a Snickers duo or a  giant Yorkie bar to control me. I am doing this for both our sakes.”

evil (1)*Now in the full throes of hysteria* “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, IF YOU TRULY LOVED ME, THEN YOU WOULD PUT AN END TO MY SUFFERING!! PLEASE, PLEASE, MAKE IT STOP!! MAKE THE PAIN GO AWAY!! JUST MAKE IT STOOOOP!!!!!!”

And so, I did what any good, decent mother would do…I gave him some crack instead. Now not only are we both losing weight and no longer suffering from sugar cravings but neither of us even has an appetite for food anymore. Result!

*Seriously, the little man is going through severe cold turkey. I gave him a carrot stick and then caught him dipping it into a jar of chocolate spread*

~Lily

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13 thoughts on “Going Cold Turkey

  1. I’m just polishing off a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Hazed & Confused Core as I read this, and now I’m feeling all guilty. In my defense — because I also desperately need to go back on a diet — I’m in the throes of Shark Week over here…and everyone knows that any and all empty, sugary, chocolate-laden calories, consumed during ones menses, simply do not count.

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    • Kelly, I was all ready to be a hater when you mentioned Ben & Jerry’s Hazed & Confused Core, until I came across the fact that it is Shark Week for you.
      I’m pretty sure that it is the law and thereby written in the book dedicated specifically to Shark Week and entitled “Pass the cake, or imma cut your face,” that anything containing loaded calories, does not count.

      Liked by 1 person

      • “…or imma cut your face…” LOL! Love that! That will be my mantra tomorrow. Every sentence will end with that phrase, whenever humanly possible. And maybe even whenever inhumanly possible, too. We’ll just have to see what the day brings. 😉

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        • Hahaha! Kelly, then your household shall be akin to ours.

          “Pass me the remote, or imma cut your face.”

          “Make me a cup of tea, or imma cut your face.”

          “Spawn, go to bed, or imma cut your face.”

          These are all everyday sentences in our house, which begun when I had the flu and Spawn came into my room and said “imma cut your face.” This was followed by a shock look from both us , before he then went on to say, “I actually meant to say, would you like a cup of tea.”

          We must have laughed for about 10 minutes as I questioned and he denied, that he had a certain unconscious thought about his mama, ie, me.

          Liked by 1 person

  2. Mrs H is currently on a diet… which means I too am on a diet and so if the dog!!!!
    It’s hard going, so I feel your pain.
    It doesn’t help that I work from home ALL ALONE.. I polished off 6 ferror rochers (or how ever you spell it) on my own yesterday (but don’t tell the wife)
    I’m not very good a dieting.

    Be strong Lily! Don’t fall into the sweet, silky temptation that is faegtwg4agr45gre…. sorry, just had to wipe some biscuit crumbs off the keyboard…. now what was I saying? ;O)

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    • Only 6 ferrero rochers? You’re slacking, but you’re secret is safe with me. (sends email to Mrs H about her husband’s traitorous ways)

      Thank you for your support Mr H. I am finding it quite hard, but the large packet of Quavers that I’ve just eaten and the 7 pack of Twix currently hiding under the bed, are slowly easing me through this difficult period. Not sure why I’m not seeing any weight loss though.

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  3. Hello Miss Lily I have been away from the strange world of cyberspace for over twenty fours hours so am arriving a bit late to new posts. I was always told as long as the chocolate was at least 70% cocoa butter it was almost good for you. This does rule out rather a lot of the popular chocolate names we all know and love but it does leave all those luxury Belgian chocolates to eat. These are in fact a self controlling source of chocolate as they cost loads so destitution will always limit the amount anyone can eat in one go.

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    • Ah Mr Z, but like any addIct, a chocoholic will find the means, illegal or not, of obtaining funds to sate their Belgian cravings…that’s the craving of Belgian chocolate and not the craving of Belgian men.

      On the health benefits of chocolates, I think that this quote, which is a quote that I shall be quoting, says it all when I quote

      “Chocolate comes from cocoa
      which comes out of a tree.
      That makes it a plant.
      Therefore, chocolate counts as salad.”

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  4. Omg.. I am so with you on this Lily. I need to lose a few pounds myself AND I need to quit smoking but, as anyone knows who needs to lose weight and quit smoking, you can do one or the other but not both, certainly not at the same time. Smoking def helps me, although I’m not promoting it, just saying.. God.. It’s just so flippin’ hard.. If only I’d tackled those first 10lbs.. I’d kick myself in the ass but I’m pretty sure the tsunami effects would not be appreciated..

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    • Oh God Mimi, I know exactly what you mean about the whole giving up smoking and dieting thing. What people fail to realise, is that I’d be a heifer if I gave up right now. I’m talking BEYOND obese…which I guess is dead.
      So, I’m tackling ending the ‘eating my entire body weight in food’ first, and then the smoking…for the 9th time. God help all those around me…

      Liked by 1 person

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