Lily’s Tale Of Grief And Woe.

I am sad. Deeply sad. In fact, I am in quite a state of distress, for I may have lost the one skill that has proven to be very precious to me over the years.
You see, I think that I may have Repetitive Strain Injury, which may have resulted in the loss of said precious ability. What is this talent that you have lost and that has you so distraught? I hear no one in particular cry. Why, it is the mastery of ripping apart chocolate wrappers.

Let me take you back. Back to a time that was forged by fire. Back to a time where the icy winds of change, chilled the air with it’s hypothermic sensibilities, causing icy cold glaciers of wintery sadness to rip through my frozen heart. That’s right, 6 pm, Thursday evening.

Look at it. Oozing with a lusty exuberance  that  flows like the magma of desire...nope, sorry, my bad. It's just strawberry sauce.

Look at it. Oozing with a lusty exuberance that flows like a magma of desire…nope, sorry, my bad. It’s just cherry sauce.

There it lay, a prepossessing picture of hedonism and lust, begging and enticing me to step forward and to take of it’s wanton excesses. Try as I might, I could not resist it’s lascivious allure and soon, I found myself in a fluster of erotic indulgence, as I grabbed the packet of Malteser and rampantly tore at it’s rustling covering. That’s when it happened and that’s when my life changed…forever. It was at that moment, the moment between ripping and finally quenching my cocoa desire, that a sharp pain drove through my right hand. The agony of it was so exquisite, that I could only gasp out loud as the shock reverberated through my entire frame. This caused the action of ripping to become quite a violent act and as my hand spasmed with the aftershock of my acute discomfort, I noticed that those tiny, balls of honeycomb, coated in a canopy of chocolate, had become sprinkled into the four corners of my room. What made this sad affair even more heartbreaking, was that they had rendered themselves unreachable under the non removal-ability of laden and cumbersome furniture. And that’s what finally broke me.

Damn! I think I just had an orgasm!

Damn! I think I just had an orgasm!

In my despair, I flung myself onto the threadbare carpet, my knees jolting in torment as I hit the floor. “Noooooooooo!!” I cried out in defeat. “My preciousess!” I wailed, all the while tearing out my hair in abject horror and just a little bit of the overdramatics. “Why lord?” I wept bitterly. “Why would you give me something so heavenly, only to take it away as if it were snatched by the hands of Satan himself?! “Why must you be so cruel and unjust? Wasn’t it bad enough, that I am still grieving for the loss of the Snickers bar that unfairly met it’s demise by way of falling onto the pavement, not a minute after I had unwrapped it’s nutty goodness?”

Whoo-hoo! Chocolate Jenga!

Whoo-hoo! Chocolate Jenga!

“Oh for goodness sake!” Came a disapproving, sibilant voice. So consumed in my grief was I, that I hadn’t heard Spawn creep up behind me with all the stealth of a baby elephant…wearing clogs. “Do you want me to call the fire services?” He asked. “Would you?” I cried, a glimmer of hope splintering through my heart. “You would do that for me?” “No”, replied the black hearted evil one. “Really woman, your craziness really knows no bounds does it? I mean, you’ve not only gone mad, but you’ve skipped over the bridge into Crazy Town, looked around and then decided to set up permanent residence.”

Er...how did that picture get in there? Oops...

Er…how did that picture get in there? Oops…

“And this is why I love chocolate more than I love you!” I screamed, spittle dotting my chin. “Chocolate would not forsake me or call me names. Chocolate would love me, as I love it.” I yelled, now beginning to realize that I sounded like I probably should book myself a holiday…at the nearest mental health facility.
“If chocolate had any consciousness, they’d leap out of the packet and run as far away from your insanity as they could, you mentally defective woman.” And with that, Spawn slithered out of the room like the treacherous snake that he is and back into his boy pit.

Oh chocolate, you wanton tease.

Oh chocolate, you wanton tease.

And so for 40 days and 40 nights, I sat there hoping against all hope, that those little chocolate covered balls that I so dearly love to suck upon, would somehow reappear once again. They never did and now remain in their final resting place for evermore. Or until I ask my brother to come and move the bloody furniture for me.

~Lily

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18 thoughts on “Lily’s Tale Of Grief And Woe.

    • Mr H, I am sure that you are indeed a fine figure of a man, with a physique that would rival that of Michelangelo’s ‘David’. That fact that I am also a compulsive liar, is neither here nor there, for I stand by everything that I have said. Now excuse me, I am late for my therapy session.

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    • I refute such claims that I like to overindulge in the act of imbibing too much alcoholic beverages. I take umbrage at your words and will be contacting my lawyer on such slanderous reports…after I’ve had a drink.

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    • Andrea, I have given up hope of ever retrieving the preciousess. To rig a trap, would take far too much energy, far more than I can give, for my body is weak with loss and grief. I will NEVER, EVER be able to replace such…Ooh look! I just found a packet of choco m&ms! Sorry, what was I talking about?

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  1. I suspect that the mice will have a party or a game of beach volleyball with your chocolate. Mice love a bit of chocolate. Still it could be worse. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . OK after much thought I have concluded it could not be worse . . . . . All I can advise is avoid chocolate that can roll in future.

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    • Avoid chocolate that roll? Mr Z, that is blasphemous in the eyes of chocoholics everywhere. Your form of punishment for such heresy, will to be tied to a post, whereby you will be continually pelted with packets of Kinder Bueno, which as we all know, is the worst chocolate of all, until you beg for mercy…or a tea break.

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  2. Lily, I nearly had an orgasm just looking at those luscious pictures of chocolate! Oh, I’d be wailing in abject horror too if it happened to me! Overdramatic? Never where such wanton pleasure is involved. And a Snickers bar met its demise too? The horror. Much too unfair!! Yes, chocolate does not forsake us, it comforts us. In my empathy for your pain, I must find some chocolate…now!! 🙂 (btw, best post I ever read about chocolate!!)

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    • I knew you would understand my pain Madilyn. The grief, the tears, the sense of loss. And you put it so eloquently, chocolate does indeed comfort us. No man can ever much up to the bliss that is chocolate…except Channing Tatum. I’d sell my soul if I had one, for just one taste of Mr Tatum’s abs…sorry…I kinda lost track there for a moment.

      Thanks so much Madilyn. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. You need more rugrats running around your home Lily! I never worried about dropping food on the floor when all mine were home, I knew something would come out and eat it – but NOT the chocolate! No, no, no.. That’s when the rugrats become the search and rescue team ONLY. No eating mama’s chocolate! Greeaaat post! I love it almost as much as I love chocolate! 😉

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    • Mimi, the idea of Spawn doing anything other than snort derisively at me, would be a miracle in itself. He would search, but there would be no rescue. Instead, those poor lost chocs would be located, taken hostage and then subjected to the most terrifying ordeal, via his mouth. I couldn’t do that to the preciousess.

      It’s so good to see you old friend. 🙂

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  4. Oh you poor thing. I feel your pain. I personally think the definition of a well-balanced diet is a hunk of chocolate in each hand, so you”d best get yourself some replacements right away to keep your diet straight.

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    • Susan, people just don’t realise the importance of chocolate as part of a well balanced diet. A bar of Cadbury Fruit and Nuts, contains not only protein (milk) and fruits…ok, one fruit, but also plenty of fibre in the form of nuts. I did point this out to my doctor who had previously voiced his concerns over the amount that I eat and he simply replied, “SECURITY!”

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  5. For a moment there, I thought I had sent the wrong picture. *ahem

    “chocolate covered balls that I so dearly love to suck upon”: My brain copiously omitted the first 2 words of this sentence as I read and re-read that entire paragraph and tried to figure out what you were trying to say. Sure enough, I snapped out of it and the 2 first words came up as if by magic and I remembered what you were talking about in this post. Or sucking on.

    Did you know that the picture of the cherry sauce spilling out, closely reminds me of one time when I googled, for shits and giggles “ruptured nut sac” and it looked pretty similar to that image. But less saucy or sweet, I’m sure.

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    • 1. And what picture is this that you would be referring to…?
      2. Why does that not surprise me about the inner workings of your brain?
      3. Why would you google…oh never mind. I forgot who I was talking to for a moment. 🙂

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    • But Joy, my hand hurts. ;( What if I can’t twist the lid off? The last time that happened, Spawn too umbrage at my throwing the jar at his head to crack it open. Selfish child…

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