My Father is A Loser…Sorry, I Meant Lucifer.

I don’t get to see my father often, him being Lucifer and Ruler Of The Underworld and all.

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And despite the fact that we now live in a world of technical advancements, Hell apparently, doesn’t have ipads or computers.

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As such, I hardly ever hear from him, although this is not such a bad thing as he is the classic example of the inverse ratio between the size of his mouth and the size of his brain. Nonetheless, I bet the poor man has hardly anytime at all to meet up with friends.

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I mean you have to feel sorry for the man. No parties…

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No time to meet hot women…

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And no time to just have fun…

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…or relax.

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Is it any wonder that I only get to see him for about four weeks out of the year? Maybe when I’m older will he want to willingly spend any amount of time longer than a month with me. But I have the distinct feeling that by then, I won’t really care.

Spawn

*Captioned pictures by Mother*

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18 thoughts on “My Father is A Loser…Sorry, I Meant Lucifer.

    • The sad thing Susan, is that Spawn’s relationship mirrors that of mine and my own father. Talk about history repeating itself, although my stepdad has been has been a constant in my life since I was five.
      But Spawn is made of sterner stuff and will come out ever more stronger.

      I did miss my dad the last time I saw him…but with this new 12 gauge double-barrel shotgun, I’ll be sure to get him next time around.

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    • Jamie, I just read this comment out to Spawn, whose reply was, and I quote, “May a claw lodge itself inside the trachea of Father’s and may yours have no clue on how to perform the heimlich maneuver.” Ouch!

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  1. Poor old Lil man . . . some people are to put it bluntly Shit. . . . . OK that is not that blunt. but then I am a quiet middle class chap and only say F**K when I am putting shelves up . . . . . . . DAMN did I just type ***** I did . . . . . .sorry about that you two . . . and other readers of a quiet middle class disposition.

    I blame all this man flu its got at my brain, I was well knackered yesterday.

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    • Mr Z! *Gasps and faints in shock* We’ll have none of that language here! I’m a respectable…oh who am I kidding? The words ‘Lily’ and ‘respectable’ are an oxymoron, as is the lil man’s papa. And by papa, I meant his dad and not the affable children’s character, Papa Smurf

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  2. Oh Spawn, poor little evil thing. Unfortunately, people like him, or I should say, evil personified, like him will never change. Not sure which one is worst, the likes of him around or not having any presence at all. Regardless, I’m sure Spawn will grow to be a very independent man with he idea that once he has his own family, he won’t follow the steps of his father.

    Also, I think he can handle mom’s gas release better than a father’s. Those are way too killer for a human being to deal with.

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    • You just can’t let the whole gas emission thing go, can ya?

      I definitely think that having someone like that around, is more damaging than if they weren’t around. If Spawn never knew him, the chances of being continually disappointed would be minimal at best.

      Give Mr J Thomas my highest regards.

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  3. LMFAO, the gas part and the feline foaming at the mouth will forever hunt the depths of my cranial armory.

    I agree, i think if he can just fuck completely off, Spawn will be better off and your sanity can also be kept in check a little better.

    And JT misses you by the way.

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    • There is no foaming at the mouth…maybe a little lathering effect, but nothing that a 7 day course of antibiotics won’t clear up.

      Spawn Google+ him a letter, basically calling him useless. I think we’re both done with it now.

      Give JT a hard squeeze from me. I do miss hearing about his day to day, and sometimes through the night, activities.

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  4. I read the letter. Very well said. Kid’s got a brilliant mind for sure. He won’t be needing a dead beat father around to mess it all up.

    The antibiotics gives salivating kitten a strange, sour flavor. Sort of like sweaty twat without being properly wiped from rancid pee.

    Jt heard you loud and clear. He even shed a tear after the thoughtful request. He’s been quiet though, and can’t sleep at night. Always, full of energy and stamina when regular folk go to bed. Sometimes won’t let his host sleep because he’s just…. up and staring at the stars, or attempting extraterrestrial communication or some shit.

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    • He really does have a brilliant mind, which is not always used for good but for evil.

      OMG! Why are you tasting salivating kittens?? What has twinkles ever done to receive such harsh treatment?

      JT needs to get some rest. All that being up all night, is just going to make him start weeping and then next thing you know, he’ll be spewing up all over the place through tiredness. You need to show him some tender loving care.

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  5. lol not exactly twinkles… let’s just say I read that somewhere.

    JT is sound asleep, ma’am. He can’t help himself with the insomnia thing either. And more TLC will just devoid him of any sleep day or night.

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    • Well if stimulation stirs ole JT, that I won’t suggest that you give him a gentle pat on the head. Best not to rouse the poor thing if he’s already asleep. He’ll be up soon enough.

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