Every Book Tells A Story…Well Duh!

After prostituting my soul to Lucifer in order to afford Spawn a few Christmas presents, (seriously Satan, you suck…and not in a good way either!) and eating so much food, that I spent the rest of the morning with my bottom worshipping at the altar of the porcelain Gods, it’s time to get back to the serious task of blogging.
Currently, the blogosphere looks like this…


My sex life like this…


And my vagina like this.


Still, at least there’s some activity going on down there. And I’m not talking about the mild yeast infection.

But as is usual, I digress. Now not many people know this, but Spawn is an avid reader. Titles such as ‘Bahahaha, or Muahahaha! Perfecting the art of the evil laugh,’ ‘Floral Arranging. 1001 fun tips on how to disguise where you hid the bodies’ and  ‘Robert Mugabe’s A-Z Of How To Rule The World,’ adorn the shelves of his secret lab, which is coincidentally, also his bedroom and situated directly opposite mine…so not so secret after all…idiot.
Naturally, he was overjoyed at the classic tomes that I had purchased for his perusal, as part of his Christmas gifts. And because I have nothing better to do with my time, I have decided to share them with you all, because if I have to suffer in this miserable life, then I’m dragging you all down with me.

First off, is a book that deal with the consequences of excess and as Spawn is under the impression that he will wither away and die if he doesn’t eat every five minutes, our cupboards and fridge often reflect the stirrings my soul…empty.


Still on the theme of food, I can categorically tell you that the answer to this next book title, is a resounding no…unless you coat them in crushed up valium, in which case the answer is “YIPPEE!”


Now as Spawn is a huge fan of science and often likes to conduct experiments around the house, I thought that this would be the perfect starting point. What? I thought it said Elmo’s experiments.


Dealing with a homicidal matriarchal future despotic ruler, can at times, be extremely exhausting. This book simply explains that “although mummy loves you, sometimes she needs to sleep”.


We as parents, need to encourage our children to reach their full potential in life and to support their chosen career, whatever that may be.


Of course, once they have chosen their career path, and gone on to training, it is important to follow a few guidelines to ensure a happy, working environment.


Children are naturally curious creatures and this book helps them to explore that particular aspect of their nature…as well as the ones that should probably be kept well hidden.


It is vital for Spawn to realize that although not all children are born the same, they should all be treated equally…except Jill. Jill should be shipped to Kuala Lumpur and quarantined in a cave away from the rest of civilization. Dirty wretch.


So let’s take a look at some of the texts in a couple of these books. Er…


Oh, maybe not eh?



Hope you all had a wonderful Holiday!


16 thoughts on “Every Book Tells A Story…Well Duh!

  1. I saw there was a 45 mph speed limit sign in the 3rd photograph of tumbleweeds, or as we caLL them here, ‘tumbleweeds’. I veRy caRefuLLy measured the speed of the tumbleweeds in the photograph and they were an average of 37.8 mph, so weLL below the legal 45 limit.

    It is way after Thanksgiving but I think I might possibly get pumpkin pie, homemade, today finaLLy. I finaLLy have my wife hooked on the teleBision show Justified, so I may have to withhold season 2 if I don’t get pie. We are almost finished with season one on DVD.


    • Only you Mr E, would measure the circumferences of tumbleweeds, or as I like to call them, ‘tumbleweeds.’
      Those darned things never take any notice of speed limits. They’re reckless and irresponsible, rolling all over the place like that, with ne’er a care in the word! Thoughtless!

      Ooh, I love pumpkin pie. I would sell the Spawn for a slice…in fact, I think I just might. Hold on whilst I fetch the leash and the ‘Spawn transporter carrier…’


      • I used diameters and pi, then ate pumpkin pie. Sadly the crust of the pie was overdone, so I only ate ate-ty five percent of the pie. But it was a decent percent.


        • Oh, I see what you did there Mr E.
          I would reply with an equally witty retort, but I am currently suffering from a contagion called ‘tumbleweeditis’, or as I like to call it, ‘tumbleweeditis.’
          Apparently, the tumbleweeds in the lower regions, and no, I don’t mean France, has spread to my brain causing a lack of coherency and probable reasoning. It seems that I have been suffering with this condition for years. Who’d have thought it?



          Wishing you a Happy New Year, Mr E.


  2. Good for you! It’s about time we start teaching our kids the REALITY of the world. And making meth seems like a good life skill, especially after watching Breaking Bad which is a TV series about a teacher who works hard, always does the right thing and is rewarded with cancer. He can’t pay his mounting bills because he’s a teacher, so he learns to make meth. Once he does this, his life turns around and he makes TONS of money, and they all live happily ever after. That was my take-away anyway.
    I like the new digs! Hope WordPress is treating you well!


    • Haha! See Joy, crime DOES pay and the extra income that Spawn brings in, will go a long way to keeping me in a lifestyle that I have become accustomed to…that of the lazy arsed skank.

      I’m loving WordPress at the moment. Let’s hope the love affair continues.


  3. Some of those books look as if the Spawn may have authored them himself. I’m sure you wouldn’t be surprised either.

    His collection is not far from mine, having just read Justine, from Marquis de Sade and Philosophy in the bedroom, just for shits and giggles.

    A few years back, someone mentioned to me about the private blog that that sounded like “My horizontal life” from Chelsea Handler, but mine is actually blank pages from cover to cover in comparison.


    • Ooh, I just thought of a new name for your private blog, ‘Diary Of A PorkStar.’ Am I not a genius? Indeed I am not.

      Why does it not surprise me that you read the Marquis de Sade for fun and relaxation?


  4. Those book mock-ups are hysterical. But just for giggles, do a google search sometime for the worst kids books ever. Honest to goodness, some real books aren’t too far behind the ones you came up with. (My favorite is “Senor Caca”, which features a comic turd dressed in golf gear on the cover. Hilarious!

    I hope you had a wonderful Christmas, and all the best to you in the new year.


    • Susan, I quite like ‘Who will toss my salad.’
      Senor Caca, I’m sure he taught Biology at my school.
      Ah, you’ve given me an idea for another post. Thank you!

      I did have a wonderful Christmas thanks. Hope you and your family enjoyed the festive season also.


  5. AH I notice that folk are returning to make comments Miss Lily that is good, it just goes to show what a good picture of tumbleweed can do to attract the punters back. . . . I decided to shut my eyes after that as I felt being the nice but slightly mad middle class chap there was a distinct possibility that information of a nature I may wish to avoid needed to be avoided. And besides I may be coming down with man flu or some sort of as yet undiscovered similar illness leaving me in a slight state of being rather exhausted 99.9% of the day. . . . .


    • Mr Z, you did well to cover your eyes, but just at the beginning. The rest is quite tame by my standards.
      It is nice that people are commenting. Gives me a warm fuzzy feeling deep inside, though that could also be heartburn.

      I do hope that you aren’t coming down with the debilitating condition that is Manflu. Seriously though, having been through it in the last couple of weeks, (as did the Lil man) I hope that it is not flu and just the common cold…which I guess is the same thing to those of the male species.


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