After prostituting my soul to Lucifer in order to afford Spawn a few Christmas presents, (seriously Satan, you suck…and not in a good way either!) and eating so much food, that I spent the rest of the morning with my bottom worshipping at the altar of the porcelain Gods, it’s time to get back to the serious task of blogging.
Currently, the blogosphere looks like this…
My sex life like this…
And my vagina like this.
Still, at least there’s some activity going on down there. And I’m not talking about the mild yeast infection.
But as is usual, I digress. Now not many people know this, but Spawn is an avid reader. Titles such as ‘Bahahaha, or Muahahaha! Perfecting the art of the evil laugh,’ ‘Floral Arranging. 1001 fun tips on how to disguise where you hid the bodies’ and ‘Robert Mugabe’s A-Z Of How To Rule The World,’ adorn the shelves of his secret lab, which is coincidentally, also his bedroom and situated directly opposite mine…so not so secret after all…idiot.
Naturally, he was overjoyed at the classic tomes that I had purchased for his perusal, as part of his Christmas gifts. And because I have nothing better to do with my time, I have decided to share them with you all, because if I have to suffer in this miserable life, then I’m dragging you all down with me.
First off, is a book that deal with the consequences of excess and as Spawn is under the impression that he will wither away and die if he doesn’t eat every five minutes, our cupboards and fridge often reflect the stirrings my soul…empty.
Still on the theme of food, I can categorically tell you that the answer to this next book title, is a resounding no…unless you coat them in crushed up valium, in which case the answer is “YIPPEE!”
Now as Spawn is a huge fan of science and often likes to conduct experiments around the house, I thought that this would be the perfect starting point. What? I thought it said Elmo’s experiments.
Dealing with a homicidal matriarchal future despotic ruler, can at times, be extremely exhausting. This book simply explains that “although mummy loves you, sometimes she needs to sleep”.
We as parents, need to encourage our children to reach their full potential in life and to support their chosen career, whatever that may be.
Of course, once they have chosen their career path, and gone on to training, it is important to follow a few guidelines to ensure a happy, working environment.
Children are naturally curious creatures and this book helps them to explore that particular aspect of their nature…as well as the ones that should probably be kept well hidden.
It is vital for Spawn to realize that although not all children are born the same, they should all be treated equally…except Jill. Jill should be shipped to Kuala Lumpur and quarantined in a cave away from the rest of civilization. Dirty wretch.
So let’s take a look at some of the texts in a couple of these books. Er…
Oh, maybe not eh?
Hope you all had a wonderful Holiday!