Oh Man The F**k Up And Grow A Pair!

Throughout the centuries, scientists have long sought to eradicate many of the diseases which once upon a time, devastated whole countries and cost the lives of millions. From the Black Death to Polio, advances in medical science have been truly amazing, improving innumerable lives and affording us a world in which humans are living far longer than in previous decades.
Long gone are the days where many ailments were thought to have been caused by everything from the Devil, to bad smells and where Practises such as purging or Trepanning, a procedure that involved drilling a hole into the skull, were the preferred method of treatment.

But sadly there is still one disease that has proven impervious to the cures of modern day medicine. One that has eluded physicians and the likes since the dawn of time. Man Flu.
Over the years, there have been much discussion on whether Man Flu truly exists, or if it is merely a myth, a gross figment of the male imagination. However, a significant proportion of men who had been recently surveyed, cited their agreement in the existence of virus, whereas women were more prone to the opinion that until man has pushed a ten pound baby the size of an Oompa Loompa through the eye of their penises, then they would do well to shut the hell up.


According to the big sissy girl blouses men, Man Flu is not only more dangerous than the Ebola virus, but just one droplet of microorganism from a sneeze, can have the devastating consequence of disseminating throughout the land and destroying whole nations. In fact, many believe that the extinction of the Dodo bird and the slow decline of the rainforest, was brought about by explorers carrying this man disease. It has also been suggested that the death of the dinosaurs (perhaps this is the origin of the disease) may have been due to one of the male reptiles contracting this life threatening contagion. That after his missus refused to get up and make him a cup of tea and a Ankylosaurus sandwich, the ancient relic of the past was left to the unthinkable task of having to fend for himself and get his own damned meal. This act of venturing further than the bedroom, caused poor Dino to spread the pandemic among the rest of the dinosaur clan, who slowly begun to die out. But not without first moaning and whingeing like a bunch of four year old girls.


In the Oxford Concise Dictionary, Man flu is defined as thus:

Man Flu
In males: A debilitating illness that renders the male weak and helpless and more prone to pain than anyone else…EVER!

In females: A cold.


Described by one cry baby who hovered between life and death as, “more painful than childbirth”, he then went on to describe how he performed the selfless act of choosing to remain at home for three weeks, even though he really wanted to go to work. “I thought that to do so, would risk the lives of my fellow man and no one should have to go through the agony and suffering that I have experienced. Never mind about Ebola, what are the governments doing to halt the spread of this fatal disease? They need to get their priorities sorted”


Another girlie man-boy whined that, “women complain about the mild ache that is menstruation, but they forget the sacrifices we make by staying in bed for fear of infecting our loved ones. As such, we should be hailed as heroes.”
Whilst another bitched, “every year I stare death in the face. I have lost many of my friends to manflu when their wives did not call the emergency services in time. More should be done to combat this awful disease and a memorial service held for all those who have gone before.” His enabler wife agrees and states that, “every year, the kids and I hold a bedside vigil, not knowing if this could be his last year on earth. Our friends and families have been very supportive, lighting candles and saying prayers and to them, we will be forever thankful.”
However, the long suffering spouse of one such victim and who wishes to remain anonymous, responded with this powerful message, “Please God, let me die!”


So is there a cure for this deadly condition? Who cares. But Sir Bob Geldof and co have launched a charity appeal on behalf of the twat waffles victims and a new single “Pass The Remote, Can’t You See I’m Dying?” Will be out in January 2015. May the lord have mercy upon the souls of women everywhere.

Man Flu Helpline:

Email support group:



7 thoughts on “Oh Man The F**k Up And Grow A Pair!

  1. Oooooooooooo . . . . . . . . . . . . . Man Flu . . . . . . . . . . Ooooooooo I dare not speak of it myself just in case.. Its a subject that will put the fear of God into men and small ferrets.. . . . . O yes ferrets have a deep fear of Man Flu also, I mean when was the last time you saw a ferrets discussing Man Flu.

    I just hope that this is not one of those break it to them gently stories about Santa has Man Flu and is running a bit behind on his plans, followed by Christmas is cancelled because Santa is a bit dead. . . . . But Hey he had Man Flu.


  2. hahahahahaha I love this. So funny. It doesn’t happen HERE because my husband never gets sick, and the rare times he does he just CHUGS Day-Quil and goes about his business, BUT I know many people who suffer from frequent Man Flu. Poor men, with their inability to make people and suffer discomfort. I tell them what my Daddy always told me since I was a bonny wee bunny, “Suffer quietly.”


    • Joy, Manflu should be reclassified as ‘Lady-boy-Manflu.’ I remember my ex acting as though he had a tumour and diagnosed with only days to live. Luckily, he recovered just before finding out just how close to death he actually was.


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