Yesterday morning, I received a most touching and heartfelt letter from a Mrs Caetherine Rivera, entitled, ‘Can I trust you? Off course you can Caetherine, for I am as trustworthy as the day is long…if that day is the 21st of December, which coincidentally, also happens to be the shortest day of the year. In fact, virtuosity is my middle name, (if virtuosity is spelled C.o.r.d.e.l.i.a) a trait proven by the fact that deer and other woodland creatures often feed from my hand as I gaily skip through the forest, whilst warbling various Disney tunes. The reality that all this takes place in my head after imbibing copious amounts of gin, is beside the point.
So here for your perusal, is the letter from Ms Rivera. I dare you all not to shed a tear at the poignancy of such an emotional text. For to not weep, means you obviously have no soul.
Dear beloved one in Christ,
I am Mrs.Caetherine Rivera from Ft.Drum, New york United States of America but presently in Nairobi,Kenya, I am 80 years old, I am deaf (and quite possibly blind too, which might explain why she can’t spell her own name) i don’t hear and I’m suffering from a long time cancer of the breast, (as opposed to short time cancer of the breast)From all indication my condition is really deteriorating, (as is your grammar) and doctor Frank have courageously advised me that I may not live beyond the next two months, this is because the cancer stage has reached a critical stage, I was brought up in a motherless babies home, (I’m not even gonna touch that sentence) and i was married to my late husband Daniel Rivera for twenty years without a child.
(wait…what? She was married to her deceased husband for twenty years?? To each their own I suppose)
My husband and I are true Christian’s, we lived all day in Nairobi,Kenya, (and all night elsewhere) since he was working here as a contractor and got share’s with Vodacom Company here, but quite
unfortunately, he died in a fire burnt, (he did what now??) he burn to asshes (now I’m not sure if she meant that his ass was burned to ashes, or that he was a donkey farmer, who after the ‘Great Donkey Plague’ of 2000, burned his asses) none of is body was found, Since his death I decided not to re-marry and because of my bad stage of health, I sold all our
inheritance belongings to me and my late husband Johnson (wait…she sold all her inheritance to herself and her dead husband? Hold on, wasn’t his name Daniel?) and deposited all the total sum of $1.8Million USD with the Wellsfargo Bank Kenya and Prohalls Bank United States. My dearest beloved one in Christ can i trust you to distribute our life earnings to the Motherless Homes and Churches around you and also Haiti Suffering people ? (that’s people suffering from the debilitating affliction of being Haitians, obviously)
My direct Email: Rebook112@aol.com
Your’s Sincerely Sister in Christ,
Mrs. Caetherine Rivera
Now wasn’t that touching? It’s okay to weep at such a tragedy people. Let it all out. Let those tears flow. Mrs Caetherine Rivera, our thoughts are with you and your late husband Daniel/Johnson Rivera. May his burnt ass rest in peace and may you finally find a distributor for the generosity of the $1.8 Million that you have awarded yourself.
Your sister in Hades, Lily.