Letter From A Scammer

Yesterday morning, I received a most touching and heartfelt letter from a Mrs Caetherine Rivera, entitled, ‘Can I trust you? Off course you can Caetherine, for I am as trustworthy as the day is long…if that day is the 21st of December, which coincidentally, also happens to be the shortest day of the year. In fact, virtuosity is my middle name, (if virtuosity is spelled C.o.r.d.e.l.i.a) a trait proven by the fact that deer and other woodland creatures often feed from my hand as I gaily skip through the forest, whilst warbling various Disney tunes. The reality that all this takes place in my head after imbibing copious amounts of gin, is beside the point.

So here for your perusal, is the letter from Ms Rivera. I dare you all not to shed a tear at the poignancy of such an emotional text. For to not weep, means you obviously have no soul.

Dear beloved one in Christ,

I am Mrs.Caetherine Rivera from Ft.Drum, New york United States of America but presently in Nairobi,Kenya, I am 80 years old, I am deaf (and quite possibly blind too, which might explain why she can’t spell her own name) i don’t hear and I’m suffering from a long time cancer of the breast, (as opposed to short time cancer of the breast)From all indication my condition is really deteriorating, (as is your grammar) and doctor Frank have courageously advised me that I may not live beyond the next two months, this is because the cancer stage has reached a critical stage, I was brought up in a motherless babies home, (I’m not even gonna touch that sentence) and i was married to my late husband Daniel Rivera for twenty years without a child.
(wait…what? She was married to her deceased husband for twenty years?? To each their own I suppose)

My husband and I are true Christian’s, we lived all day in Nairobi,Kenya, (and all night elsewhere) since he was working here as a contractor and got share’s with Vodacom Company here, but quite
unfortunately, he died in a fire burnt,
(he did what now??) he burn to asshes (now I’m not sure if she meant that his ass was burned to ashes, or that he was a donkey farmer, who after the ‘Great Donkey Plague’ of 2000, burned his asses) none of is body was found, Since his death I decided not to re-marry and because of my bad stage of health, I sold all our
inheritance belongings to me and my late husband Johnson
(wait…she sold all her inheritance to herself and her dead husband? Hold on, wasn’t his name Daniel?) and deposited all the total sum of $1.8Million USD with the Wellsfargo Bank Kenya and Prohalls Bank United States. My dearest beloved one in Christ can i trust you to distribute our life earnings to the Motherless Homes and Churches around you and also Haiti Suffering people ? (that’s people suffering from the debilitating affliction of being Haitians, obviously)

My direct Email: Rebook112@aol.com

Your’s Sincerely Sister in Christ,

Mrs. Caetherine Rivera

Now wasn’t that touching? It’s okay to weep at such a tragedy people. Let it all out. Let those tears flow. Mrs Caetherine Rivera, our thoughts are with you and your late husband Daniel/Johnson Rivera. May his burnt ass rest in peace and may you finally find a distributor for the generosity of the $1.8 Million that you have awarded yourself.

Your sister in Hades, Lily.

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42 thoughts on “Letter From A Scammer

  1. The last time I was in South Dakota I fed a bottle of milk to a baby deer. It was pretty cool. I also gave a half cookie to a turkey that wasn’t necessarily domesticated but rather chose to hang around the barnyard for like the last two years. It is interesting how sometimes animals take in humans as pets.

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    • Ooh, I’m not sure I like this commenting system. Tis somewhat confusing from my end.
      Mr E, Anyone who has ever had cats, knows that we are their pets and therefore, must do their bidding and not the other way around. Their egos know no bounds!

      I didn’t know that Turkeys ate cookies. They probably prefer to be stuffed with that, rather than sage and onion stuffing.

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        • Mr E, I’m waiting for a letter from the British government begging me to stop sending them cardboard cut-out pictures of David Cameron with the words, ‘Satan’s Lovechild’ attached to them.

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        • Ah, the answer to that is simple. For I am indeed an 80 year old, deaf woman, who is currently on best friend terms with ‘Death’ and whose husband Daniel, or was it Johnson, burnt his ass in a fire, which left me with 1.8 million of which I awarded myself, having been raised in a home for motherless children.

          Phew, I feel much better now that I’ve gotten that secret off my chest.

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        • My comment was supposed to be about you mentioning that the politician was a son of Satan, and that “how did you know?” I am confused as to how it got disconnected in their comment section. I am sorry, I have a headache at the moment and can not type a decent logical sentence, sorry! I think what I am trying to say is I don’t understand how to get replies to comments put in the right spot with WordPress.

          I am putting together a shirt for my wife that our employee designed, so I am having a bit of fun, but I am trying to make sure my wife doesn’t see her present before I am done. I think I might get to see my mother this week, as she is in Texas. We were chatting by phone then started both laughing so hard at her predicament of her being 80 and having her daughter griping at her for doing too much, and getting her keys stuck inside her locked car. Oh, I think my head is wanting me to take a nap!!! I feel bizarre … My American friend Jaime who lives in London has made it back to Washington state for the Holidays so I glad for her to be home. I hope to get to see her sometime soon, she is a load of fun.

          Ernest

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          • I’m at a loss Mr E. I’ve only just worked out this commenting malarky myself. I need to look into it…huh! Like I know what I’m doing! I can barely switch on the laptop without confusing myself.

            Aww, I think that’s a great present for your wife. You have got to send me a picture of the finished article. As for mums, those women are like Duracell batteries. My mama has more of a social life than me, whereas I’m ready to go to bed at 7…am…

            Investigating commenting system now…

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  2. O yes it is all well and good trying to change the subject . . . I refer to the Blogger/wordpress subject. By bringing up my good friend Mrs. Caetherine Rivera or Auntie Dotty as we like to call her back in the Asylum. Poor old Auntie Dotty, she has not got long to live and I thought I was doing rather well when she wrote me a cheque for a large sum of money the other day. It was $1.8Million USD but sadly she signed it Mickey Mouse (AGAIN) . . . . I keep telling her she is not a mouse she is a rat or was it a snake in the grass.

    So what is all this changing about for then Miss Lily Yes OK it looks good and stuff like that but well it means you are starting all over again with a clean slate. . . . . . .Well you thought you were but us old blogger fans plan to spill the beans . . . . AH DAMN I have spilt the beans now. So it’s plan B for supper then.

    I wondered where you had gone of late and now I now. I will follow if Blogger will allow me, I sometimes have issues with WordPress . . . . . .

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    • Mr Z, I left an explanation for you back on Blogger. All this toing and froing is giving me a neck ache.
      I’m so glad to see you here, it just wouldn’t be the same without you. And if you end up being my only follower, then that’s alright by me?
      I don’t mind starting again, in fact I’m quite excited by it.

      As for Dotty, aka Ms Rivera, I wouldn’t trust her as far as I could throw her, and with my prosthetic arm, that’s not very far.

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      • Mmmmm, bacon…
        As a vegetarian for over 20 years, I still have the urge strangle a pig with my bare hands and just rip out it’s throat with my teeth…raw.
        I know, I’m a disgrace to the vegetarian nation. But come on, it’s bacon!!

        Sorry, I digressed ever so slightly there…

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    • I was trying to remember the last time I was close to a pig. I remember unsuccessfuLLy raising one as a child. It died. I was sad. And ridiculed by my classmates. The person who purchased the piece of property where my childhood hoggie perished now raises many pigs that he seLLs to children to raise, so, I guess there is some progress. Okay, now before I started writing this I wasn’t hungry, and now I am hungry.

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      • You weren’t feeding it cookies by any chance Mr E?
        I’d quite like a pot-bellied pig as a pet, but I can’t trust myself that it won’t meet, or is that meat (?) with a nasty accident…by way of the oven or a frying pan.

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    • I know Mr Z, it’s why I was ousted by the Vegetarian Society. They came to my home branding pitchforks and burning torches. I was amazed and stunned…I didn’t know you could purchase burning torches from B&Q!

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      • No, I wasn’t feeding it any cookies. I was, however, following my father’s instructions, which turned out to be improper. But there might have been something wrong with the pig, too.

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  3. I am so definitely following you on here and everywhere, as long as you still write somewhere.
    BTW, yes blogger sucks hairy donkey genitalia and I’ve been tempted to use WordPress. However, i’ve heard nightmares just trying to set up a blog or account and simply, I’m just not in the mood to even switch.

    As for the sweet letter from Mrs Rivera, I don’t know about you, but the ones similar to that one, I have replied with 5 lines full of obscenities mixed with lyrics from evil black metal music.

    That’s the adult thing to do.

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    • PORKSTAR! I’m so happy to see you here!
      As for Blogger, there’s only so far that you can go on that particular platform. WordPress is an absolute biatch to work through and I’m still tweaking things and trying to work out what the hell I’m doing weeks later. But, everyone who uses it has nothing but praise for it. The most important thing is that I’m really excited to be blogging again, which means more regular postings.

      5 lines of obscenities and lyrics from evil black metal music is not only the adult thing to do, but the most sensible. I usually reply with the fact that I am currently suffering from Chicken disease, brought about by a romantic tryst with one of the lord’s creatures and that my father, Prince Legs Akimbo, died and left me a fortune.
      That my evil uncle Prince WheresWally, has stolen the loot and that I will happily help distribute their wealth, if they help me to assassinate my uncle…funnily enough, I never seem to hear back from them after that.

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  4. I know that I’ve been joking about it, but in all honesty Mr E, it’s hard when you lose a beloved pet. You know as well as I, that they become part of the family and therefore we have a special bond with them that lasts a lifetime. I still talk about the pets that I had as a child. They’ll forever be missed.

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    • Oh, I understand and enjoy your humor. The one pig of my life (TOPOML) was more of a school project in Future Farmers of America than a pet. I have eventuaLLy became more of a farmer than a rancher. I have spent time growing tomatoes but was disappointed by droughts, so I focus on my four grape vines, almost dozen pineapples, and a single beloved orchid that is veRy close to blooming. I wiLL leave the multi thousand acre enterprises to my South Dakota cousins.

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      • You got to raise a pig as a school project??!!
        Dammit, all I got to do, was cut up a pig’s eyeball! Oh, I miss the most crucial part of the sentence, that being ‘in Future Farmers of America…’

        Wow, you’re a real horticulturist. I can’t even grow cress. Even kindergarten/nursery children know how to grow cress.

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    • I know D. *hangs head in shame*
      I should be more charitable towards an elderly, blind, necromancer with 1.8 Million in her bank account.
      I appear to have lost my compassion…along with my sanity, humility and will to live.
      Ooh, maybe I should reply to her and beg for the money…er…I mean forgiveness…

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  5. Lily, I’ve seen a couple of those sob story scam letters from Kenya but yours is better/worse than any I’ve seen, this one is a doozy! Old, deaf, likely blind, and no doubt dumb! I was laughing out loud at your comments in the text, perfect! About “burn to asshes” I’ll go with the “Great Donkey Plague” meaning LMAO! And this scammer cannot even keep the name of the supposed dead husband straight! Well, maybe Daniel burned his asses and Johnson got all the inheritance or wait, WTF?! Hard to believe anyone would fall for such an obvious scam.

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    • Jerseylil, my lord it’s good to see ya!
      I’m beginning to think that dear old Caetherine is a serial killer and that she murdered both her husbands, Johnson and Daniel and that’s how she got the 1.8 Million. I suspect that she spends her days in Kenya and her nights burying the bodies of others that she has come across. Now in her dotage, she has confused both husbands as one person.
      Poor Daniel, or was it Johnson, who was obviously burnt along with the Oxford Dictionary and a rule book about the use of grammar. I don’t know who I weep for most, the husband(s) or the dictionary.

      Is it wrong that I am now eagerly scanning my email for more spam letters? I thought so.

      Thanks Jerseylil

      Liked by 1 person

    • Furtheron!!! I’m so pleased that you followed me to the DARK SIDE. And by that, I don’t mean North London.
      Caetherine obviously likes her men a little on the stiff side, and let’s face it, what woman doesn’t?

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  6. I feel deprived. I’ve never heard from any of the Kenyan scammers. All I ever hear from are the ones from Nigeria, but they’re pretty much the same. They always promise great amounts of money, blah, blah, blah. Like jerseylil said, it’s hard to believe anyone falls for that stuff. But they DO. A lot of them do. In fact, the most recent one I heard about is allegedly from someone in the Nigerian government, apologizing for the shameful fraud perpetrated by the scammers in his country. So, dear heart, the government wants to make… retribution. All you’ve gotta do is send your pertinent banking information, and they will deposit a pile of money into your account. And believe it or not, some people are falling for THAT one, too.

    Yep, a sucker really IS born every minute.

    A very Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year.

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    • Susan, thousands of these letters get sent out everyday and people do indeed fall for it. Yet when I do it, there’s SWAT teams, handcuffs and talk of a prison sentence! Now that’s where the true injustice of the situation comes in…though I didn’t mind the handcuffs so much…

      Wishing you and your family a Merry Christmas!

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  7. Oh, if it weren’t for the internet, we couldn’t be chosen by blind, deaf, grammer-less, married widows to distribute large sums to motherless children in far off lands. Ah, the magic of technology. Haitians gonna Hait. Baiters gonna bait. I’m just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake my cocktail. Chilled. 😉

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    • Hey Mrs Roy! It’s those poor motherless children that I worry about. Did they suddenly hatch from giant pods? Were they bred in incubators in some evil scientists secret lab? Did they go forth and multiply unto themselves…which sounds a bit nasty and slightly unhygienic .It’s all a bit of a mystery. Still, without people like her, people like me would have diddly squat to write about. And er…you might wanna lay off them cocktails…just for a while…

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    • I’m really not sure what’s going on Mr E. In comments, you come up as ‘Anonymous,’ whereas on the stats page, you’re ‘someone’. Nothing in settings has been, so it’s all a bit confusing.

      Like

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